hey! look at me! 2 posts in one week.
and it's 2am. so this one's gonna be short. as short as can be for one who is overly in love with writing. and talking. and the english language. and well... pretty much anything that deals with words.
*note to self* short.
i broke out my DCFC albums these past few days. (in case you arent acronym saavy: death cab for cutie)
they make me smile.
they remind me of fall.
and much like fall... elicit a shower of memory "leaves" some full of vibrant colors, others a bit faded, dull brown. wrinkled. and sometimes missing pieces where the "faulty cameras in [my] mind" are starting to wear the tape thin...
...listening to DCFC is...
... much like pulling a box of photos off the top shelf of your closet... and you, thinking that of course you dont need a ladder, hatch the brilliant plan that climbing on boxes and precariously perched shelves is perfectly safe. and just when you think you've mastered the jungle gym of a closet- sans ladder- you sneeze from all the dust you've kicked up, and of course it's the worst possible moment. and this is where you realize that: no, you dont have suction cups on your hands or feet... which means yes, you dont have a grip on the box (with your hands) or the shelves (with your toes) and that maybe this wasnt such a great idea after all... and you AND the box tumble backwards contents flying out (of the box, of course), and as you land with a thud... the once ordered pictures begin to rain down all around you...
death cab is like that. a lot like that. i see the albums in my itunes and think, of course i can listen to these... where clicking play is like the climbing the jungle gym closet... and then a line, a lyric, a riff.... the dust induced sneeze ... and i lose grip on the present, and fall back in time with memories flooding me at random. no chronological order. just falling all around me.
somtimes i love that feeling. othertimes i wish i had a helmet to protect from the heaviness of all the thoughts. to sit and ruminate on them. and then pack them back away for the next time i decide to pull the dusty [musical] albums off the shelf. (though music albums are clearly photo albums for me)
and im beginning to learn that even bad memories. those that hurt. the ones that are painful. the ones that make me uncomfortable. the ones i wish i had a helmet for. they are just as good as the glorious ones. they are the all a part of me. without any of them. i wouldnt be me. id be M. or E.
so with that. i bid you adieu. and while laying on my new twin sized bed thinking of things like what sarah said (love is watching someone die... so who's going to watch you die?) i'll eventually drift off to sleep, dreaming... of times past, and those to come, and the gulf between them... much like transatlanticism...
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
you're dancing 'round on life support with matches and a gun...
things i've noticed:
i have a tendency to be sporatic in writing.
i believe this directly correlates to my mood.
my mood usually correlates with the weather.
therefore i usually only write in this when it seems as though my world is falling apart. when i am beginning the decent towards the pits of hell that only one who knows depression can understand.
when it rains.
but not today. today i am neither high nor low. which is a nice reprieve from the doldrums of being yellow and blue. its amazing how deep fear can root. and just when you think you've gotten every last root... it springs back. like the dandelions my mom used to coax me into pulling from the garden. those stinkin' roots are harder to get than you'd think.
maybe its because i spent a glorious evening in the cold autumn air. standing around bonfires. reminding me of times before with friends of old. thankful to make memories with friends who are new. continually mulling over thoughts. feelings. wishes. all while dancing my pants off in the expanse of a carrboro backyard to booming pop music with no neighbors for miles. it was classy. it was fabulous. it was what i needed....
....until i opened my mouth and said "yes, i'll play and sing on that little stage over there"....
what a ridiculous idea to entertain when it's 43 degrees outside and 1am. these bitty little girl fingers (which are ironically attached to giant man hands) just couldnt hack it. so i play 1.3 songs (not even a half of the second song...) and i punk out to walk away feeling retarded and lame.
thank you for all those who cheered me on. and didnt laugh. i love you. doesnt stop me from being annoyed with myself. dissappointed with myself. i could have done better. i should have done better.
and thats when i realized tonight that i'm seriously, ridiculous, obnoxiously insecure. and i bet you're thinking as you read that last line. what? seriously? the chatter box? the loud one? the crazy-always-has-her-dance-pants-on-one? the "party-in-a-box" one? yeah. the longer i think about things (going on 2hrs here...) the more i realize that the facade i have is the greatest disguise. why? because if i LOOK like an idiot. it's clearly because i meant to. i embellish my ridiculousness so that way my insecurities will remain hidden from penetrating eyes. but. well. im human.
so guess what. im insecure. especially when i suck at something.... and sometimes something directly translates to:
life.
lab.
calling people back.
remembering important things and where i put the post notes with the important things listed on them.
::sigh::
i could keep going, but this post is slowly going down hill... and it's pretty much 4am.
so the song i leave you with is: she's disaster - lovedrug.
i have a tendency to be sporatic in writing.
i believe this directly correlates to my mood.
my mood usually correlates with the weather.
therefore i usually only write in this when it seems as though my world is falling apart. when i am beginning the decent towards the pits of hell that only one who knows depression can understand.
when it rains.
but not today. today i am neither high nor low. which is a nice reprieve from the doldrums of being yellow and blue. its amazing how deep fear can root. and just when you think you've gotten every last root... it springs back. like the dandelions my mom used to coax me into pulling from the garden. those stinkin' roots are harder to get than you'd think.
maybe its because i spent a glorious evening in the cold autumn air. standing around bonfires. reminding me of times before with friends of old. thankful to make memories with friends who are new. continually mulling over thoughts. feelings. wishes. all while dancing my pants off in the expanse of a carrboro backyard to booming pop music with no neighbors for miles. it was classy. it was fabulous. it was what i needed....
....until i opened my mouth and said "yes, i'll play and sing on that little stage over there"....
what a ridiculous idea to entertain when it's 43 degrees outside and 1am. these bitty little girl fingers (which are ironically attached to giant man hands) just couldnt hack it. so i play 1.3 songs (not even a half of the second song...) and i punk out to walk away feeling retarded and lame.
thank you for all those who cheered me on. and didnt laugh. i love you. doesnt stop me from being annoyed with myself. dissappointed with myself. i could have done better. i should have done better.
and thats when i realized tonight that i'm seriously, ridiculous, obnoxiously insecure. and i bet you're thinking as you read that last line. what? seriously? the chatter box? the loud one? the crazy-always-has-her-dance-pants-on-one? the "party-in-a-box" one? yeah. the longer i think about things (going on 2hrs here...) the more i realize that the facade i have is the greatest disguise. why? because if i LOOK like an idiot. it's clearly because i meant to. i embellish my ridiculousness so that way my insecurities will remain hidden from penetrating eyes. but. well. im human.
so guess what. im insecure. especially when i suck at something.... and sometimes something directly translates to:
life.
lab.
calling people back.
remembering important things and where i put the post notes with the important things listed on them.
::sigh::
i could keep going, but this post is slowly going down hill... and it's pretty much 4am.
so the song i leave you with is: she's disaster - lovedrug.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
...painted skies...ocean eyes...
It's raining. and my brain is fried. much from angry/crabby stomach due to stress. yes. i do still get stressed out about lab. despite my laid back facade. (all you who know me most likely chuckled at this statement.... except for my mom. who probably laughed at the understatement of the year.)
i have a long time to wait for things to grow. and while i *should* be bettering myself on my project by reading journal articles... (and as exciting as those are) i decided to take a minute, post the playlist that is helping me get through said articles... and then get back to becoming a little cloned scientist.
before i post this list. i must preface it with:
1. it's a bit thrown together. i didnt have as much time to put into this as i would have hoped.
2. yes, i DO realize that some of the songs are a tad played out. but. you'll get over it.
3. see... you already are.
4. i dont really have time to research out all these songs and post links. so... feel free to peruse the cybersphere and find a version that you like.... and if you feel so inclined... post a link. :)
1. A Message - Coldplay
2. Things She Said - Kent
3. Sunburn - Muse
4. Daisy - Brand New
5. Koliniour - Jonsi
6. Pretend You're Alive - Lovedrug
7. Again I go Unnoticed - Dashboard Confessional
8. Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy
9. Your Legs Grow - Nada Surf
10. Letters from the Sky - Civil Twilight
11. Jezebel - Iron & Wine
12. Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
13. The Greatest - Cat Power
14. Owl Eyes - Headlights
15. / 16. Forever and a Day / I Gave In - Far-less (these are really one song in my mind...)
17. Happiness - The Fray
18. Sweet and Low (Acoustic version) - Augustana
19. Shadows - David Crowder Band
20. Ocean and a Rock - Lisa Hannigan
21. Willie - Cat Power
22. Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
23. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
24. Here with Me - Dido
25. Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
26. Delicate - Damien Rice
27. Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
28. Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
29. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
30. Volcano - Damien Rice
31. What's a Boy to Do - Mat Kearney
...and i could write a song a hundred miles long...
i have a long time to wait for things to grow. and while i *should* be bettering myself on my project by reading journal articles... (and as exciting as those are) i decided to take a minute, post the playlist that is helping me get through said articles... and then get back to becoming a little cloned scientist.
before i post this list. i must preface it with:
1. it's a bit thrown together. i didnt have as much time to put into this as i would have hoped.
2. yes, i DO realize that some of the songs are a tad played out. but. you'll get over it.
3. see... you already are.
4. i dont really have time to research out all these songs and post links. so... feel free to peruse the cybersphere and find a version that you like.... and if you feel so inclined... post a link. :)
1. A Message - Coldplay
2. Things She Said - Kent
3. Sunburn - Muse
4. Daisy - Brand New
5. Koliniour - Jonsi
6. Pretend You're Alive - Lovedrug
7. Again I go Unnoticed - Dashboard Confessional
8. Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy
9. Your Legs Grow - Nada Surf
10. Letters from the Sky - Civil Twilight
11. Jezebel - Iron & Wine
12. Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
13. The Greatest - Cat Power
14. Owl Eyes - Headlights
15. / 16. Forever and a Day / I Gave In - Far-less (these are really one song in my mind...)
17. Happiness - The Fray
18. Sweet and Low (Acoustic version) - Augustana
19. Shadows - David Crowder Band
20. Ocean and a Rock - Lisa Hannigan
21. Willie - Cat Power
22. Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
23. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
24. Here with Me - Dido
25. Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
26. Delicate - Damien Rice
27. Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
28. Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
29. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
30. Volcano - Damien Rice
31. What's a Boy to Do - Mat Kearney
...and i could write a song a hundred miles long...
Monday, August 30, 2010
late night ramblings...
recently i've been listening to this song. http://www.ilike.com/artist/Lovedrug/track/Southern+Knell
and when i say listening, what i really mean is having it on repeat. continually ruminating on the lyrics. and thinking...
Sometimes i mistake my heartache for bliss
Come on now babe, let's seal it with a kiss
No one need avenge you if no one does harm
No one here can lay on your memory bed
Where you kissed your mother, your father on the head
No one understands you when,
But I've got to try...oh someone's got to try...
Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?
Shaking all these branches for love to fall
It's hard when you're lookin down to see it all
The leaves are all landing and nothing's there
Layin on the highest limb, pullin down stars
Callin your name, I've traveled so far
No one understands you here, but i've got to try...
Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?
...how fitting.
and i'm left here ruminating on so many overly asked questions. will anyone ever understand me? will anyone ever try? i mean truly try. not a half-hearted attempt...because they think i'm another accessory to obtain... but b/c they truly desire to see my heart. to know my heart. because they think i'm worth it. will someone ever love me without scaring me away. love me with open hands and not crush my wings? love me without trying to box me in?
and will i ever look up? stop looking down at everything that has fallen around me. stop looking at where others have failed me. hurt me. made me ashamed of myself. insecure with myself. where others have caused me to distrust words spoken. sometimes i forget there are things to look forward to when i'm too distracted by what has failed.
and the real questions. do i really have anything to give to the world? is it worth letting in someone to just hurt me? to let them see all of me the good, the bad, and the broken?
i just desire to be loved and protected. to be known. isnt that what everyone hopes for? lives for? wishes on falling stars for?? i wanna believe that it's possible. ridiculous? probably. but true.
this song takes me back to those nights of naivete 10+ years ago. when all that mattered was whether or not you'd made Varsity cheer. if you had the same class schedule as your closest friends. if you were stuck in A-lunch, or were lucky enough to have C-lunch. Rushing out to meet friends with a quick peck on the top of my dad's head, a hug from my mom. cold nights under the lights at a friday night football game. cider mills and bonfires. feeling so grown-up, like the world was my peach. my fuzzy little peach. dancing the night away in the basements of a friends. My mom's hot chocolate made with love...
a time before heartache. before becoming jaded and cynical. a time i so desperately wish i could share with those i know and love now... to show how things used to be. how i used to be. before i became so broken. so downtrodden. disheartened. before i began to distrust myself. and what i have to give to the world...
when did letting people in become such a large ordeal? when did opening up to people... really opening up to people... become something nightmares were made of? why is it so easy to keep people at an arm's length and never allow them to get any closer.
you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world. so why not let them in?
and when i say listening, what i really mean is having it on repeat. continually ruminating on the lyrics. and thinking...
Sometimes i mistake my heartache for bliss
Come on now babe, let's seal it with a kiss
No one need avenge you if no one does harm
No one here can lay on your memory bed
Where you kissed your mother, your father on the head
No one understands you when,
But I've got to try...oh someone's got to try...
Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?
Shaking all these branches for love to fall
It's hard when you're lookin down to see it all
The leaves are all landing and nothing's there
Layin on the highest limb, pullin down stars
Callin your name, I've traveled so far
No one understands you here, but i've got to try...
Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?
...how fitting.
and i'm left here ruminating on so many overly asked questions. will anyone ever understand me? will anyone ever try? i mean truly try. not a half-hearted attempt...because they think i'm another accessory to obtain... but b/c they truly desire to see my heart. to know my heart. because they think i'm worth it. will someone ever love me without scaring me away. love me with open hands and not crush my wings? love me without trying to box me in?
and will i ever look up? stop looking down at everything that has fallen around me. stop looking at where others have failed me. hurt me. made me ashamed of myself. insecure with myself. where others have caused me to distrust words spoken. sometimes i forget there are things to look forward to when i'm too distracted by what has failed.
and the real questions. do i really have anything to give to the world? is it worth letting in someone to just hurt me? to let them see all of me the good, the bad, and the broken?
i just desire to be loved and protected. to be known. isnt that what everyone hopes for? lives for? wishes on falling stars for?? i wanna believe that it's possible. ridiculous? probably. but true.
this song takes me back to those nights of naivete 10+ years ago. when all that mattered was whether or not you'd made Varsity cheer. if you had the same class schedule as your closest friends. if you were stuck in A-lunch, or were lucky enough to have C-lunch. Rushing out to meet friends with a quick peck on the top of my dad's head, a hug from my mom. cold nights under the lights at a friday night football game. cider mills and bonfires. feeling so grown-up, like the world was my peach. my fuzzy little peach. dancing the night away in the basements of a friends. My mom's hot chocolate made with love...
a time before heartache. before becoming jaded and cynical. a time i so desperately wish i could share with those i know and love now... to show how things used to be. how i used to be. before i became so broken. so downtrodden. disheartened. before i began to distrust myself. and what i have to give to the world...
when did letting people in become such a large ordeal? when did opening up to people... really opening up to people... become something nightmares were made of? why is it so easy to keep people at an arm's length and never allow them to get any closer.
you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world. so why not let them in?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
In the Absence of Hope...
So. I havent posted at all recently. not for want of writing. In fact, I have written. A lot. just not here. not for the perusing eyes of the world to read. understand. judge. I've been wrestling with how to write about my life. with my fears. my loves. my apathy. but present it as more than just a thinly veiled diatribe of my life. oh transparency. such a wretched, scary word.
so... who knows.... maybe i'll write more later... im sure i will...
for now i've decided to start doing playlists of the week.... (maybe eventually for the day, but it takes a while to hone down to the most important songs...) i figure this way i can share my love for music. and in a way you as the reader can a) maybe discover new songs (or rediscover oldies but goodies) and b) learn a little about me.... through the implicit rather explicit.... so *deep breath* here goes...
#1 In the Absence of Hope ...
*Lovedrug: We Were Owls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bRRqHcHIGk
*Paper Route: You Kill Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgrB7kL_V0Y
*Minus the Bear: Pachuca Sunrise http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU2cwKRhAmo
*Lovedrug: She's Disaster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI9Q7oL_nJQ
*Sleeping At Last: Naive http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbYCP0MEkVo
*BoB feat. Haley Williams: Airplanes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn6-c223DUU&ob=av2e
*Something Corporate: Letters to Noelle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zP66SlvAX0&feature=related
*Paper Route: Second Chances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEce7jzmKeg
*Sleeping At Last: Birdcage Religion http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sleeping+At+Last:Birdcage+Religion:141517143:s54202159.13199741.7742487.0.2.147%2Cstd_530059686cb34ec684ebfc13c9ef1359
*Brooke Waggoner: Heal for the Honey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxroVbjzeSg&ob=av2e
emptied out my pen, carved the rest into my hand...
so... who knows.... maybe i'll write more later... im sure i will...
for now i've decided to start doing playlists of the week.... (maybe eventually for the day, but it takes a while to hone down to the most important songs...) i figure this way i can share my love for music. and in a way you as the reader can a) maybe discover new songs (or rediscover oldies but goodies) and b) learn a little about me.... through the implicit rather explicit.... so *deep breath* here goes...
#1 In the Absence of Hope ...
*Lovedrug: We Were Owls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bRRqHcHIGk
*Paper Route: You Kill Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgrB7kL_V0Y
*Minus the Bear: Pachuca Sunrise http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU2cwKRhAmo
*Lovedrug: She's Disaster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI9Q7oL_nJQ
*Sleeping At Last: Naive http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbYCP0MEkVo
*BoB feat. Haley Williams: Airplanes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn6-c223DUU&ob=av2e
*Something Corporate: Letters to Noelle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zP66SlvAX0&feature=related
*Paper Route: Second Chances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEce7jzmKeg
*Sleeping At Last: Birdcage Religion http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sleeping+At+Last:Birdcage+Religion:141517143:s54202159.13199741.7742487.0.2.147%2Cstd_530059686cb34ec684ebfc13c9ef1359
*Brooke Waggoner: Heal for the Honey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxroVbjzeSg&ob=av2e
emptied out my pen, carved the rest into my hand...
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