A black substance-seemingly bottomless until you reach the end
it's another sleepless night. and i realized i havent written in this new blog at all. and so i decided to start it back up. why? because it's a good way to get things off my chest. and possibly help me sleep? is that why i spend so many countless nights wide awake? because i have so much to say? so much on my mind? possibly.
and much of it is not for the faint of heart. not for the casual reader. not for those who may just stumble upon one lonely little girls postings. and therefore i journal else where. i've learned my lesson.
and on this sleepless night i think back upon memories that plague my thoughts daily. and i think. God. take it all away. when will this be through? i really would "love to start again. go back to innocence and never leave..." why is it that life is so hard? so messy. so incredibly messy. how come we werent prepared for any of this? how DO we prepare for this?
and so i muse. poetry. mmm.
Breathless and bruised
Forgotten , refused
I’ve fallen down more times than I choose
Meager and brittle
This heart, so fickle
Is broken, shattered, the pieces so little
Rather to run
Than become undone
I’m strong, I’m able; I’ll do it alone
But I don’t want to.
I dont want to be alone.
There’s something to be said about watching obviously awkward first dates from afar. Something about it is like watching a car wreck. You shy away from actually seeing the destruction, yet you can’t stop from looking. You wonder. Do they realize how apparent it is to the room how uneasy you are in your own skin? How much you are trying to impress the other. How often you nervously touch your hair/smooth your shirt/fidget in you chair. The weird awkward mating dance. And we all do it. I don’t think I’ll miss it when Im done with this stage of my life. I’m strangely content with where I am in life. As a single that is. And yet there will be a moment. A passing moment. When I’ll have this wave of desire to just be standing. In that moment. With another. One who understands my innermost thoughts and concerns. Cares and worries. Who understands me. Without even having to explain a single thought. I miss those days. Those days when I felt so secure. So safe. So understood. Emotionally cozy. Warm. Wrapped in a blanket of consistency and sheltered from the prying eyes of the world. What’s wrong with me? Why do I lose interest so quickly? Is it me? Or is it God taking the desire away because it’s a “not yet”. Or is it a “not ever.” God, I hope it’s not that. I really do. I cant imagine spending my life alone. But then again, I cant imagine my life spent shackled to someone who could care less about me. Or I him. An emotional hell. Internally dead and alone.
Im an emotional mess. I appear so hard to others. So jaded. So sad. So beaten down. Where did I get this defeatist attitude? I wish I was someone different. A little less bold. A little less loud. A little less weird. A little more refined. A little more genteel. Smarter. Serious. Just better. and less like the black coffee i consume on a daily basis.
iam
I am abstract art
Awkward and angular
Contorted and quirky
Misunderstood by most
Beautiful to only a few
I am glass
Clear, yet distorting vision
With a most unlikely composition
Strong, but easily broken
Able to slice to the bone
I am fire
Warm, but able to burn
Bright, but easily extinguished
Contained, but difficult to control
Devastating and dangerous
I am vapor
Calm yet easily stirred
a whirlwind of turbulence
Mysteriously fleeting, not dependable
Fickle and easily swayed
iam
i am too much. It's the musician in me. everything i do. it's 110%. i throw myself into things heart and soul when i realize there is no risk and i dont have to be vulnerable.all these things i want to say. i cant.
Easily distracted
Cohesive thoughts escape me
A labor to finish
...the fight inside is breaking me again... its everything...
