the. dangerous. summer.

i dont want to believe that its the middle of august.

another summer over.

another year completed.

im a sixth year. what?

there are still so many things i want to do between now and then. i mean. i've only been to the beach once this year.

where did the time go. and why does it fly so fast the older we get?

disturbing.

but i think about all the memories these past few months hold... and i wouldnt change a thing. this summer wasnt wasted. in fact. it was quite full. good friends. amazing times. front porch talks. and food truck roundups. watching the sunset on east campus. gigs. open mic nights. guitars and bonfires. pianos and sheets of paper with scribbled lyrics. coffee shops. long walks. swimming and cookout. losing a roommate and good friend. gaining a roommate and good friend. holding on to winter weight (ugh). consuming too much caffeine. laughter. lots and lots of laugher. not glee night. joe van gogh. art walks. working through the angst of life. having close friends listen. advise. pray with you. cry with you. and love you anyway. heartache. joy. sacrifice. and whole foods salad bars. the joyce. tylers. climbing. and feeling like something was accomplished. pain. losing callouses. and watching my thesis go up in flames. pouring my heart and soul into music. and after five years finding my muse.

love.

love for life.

love for my friends.

the love that i had forgotten i had...

no. i wouldnt change a thing.

the danger of this past summer? making too many memories that i dont know where to put them... and learning that the more you give. to others. to life. the less focus you have on yourself. the less depression hangs around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_K1lywPZms&feature=relmfu

i'm learning now that i was wrong in everything
and thats the reason why i think that i can grow
its really not that bad

and there is something in your face
that pulls me far enough away
i guess that i always knew
that i'd find you when i thought

...you are my song, and you are where i wanna be...

Invented

she grew up believing eyes were windows to the soul.
but now she wonders if their nothing more than pretty paintings covering windows.
************************

i've been thinking a lot about all the things i wish i could articulate to different people.

but dont. or cant.

for various reasons...

which has made me think a lot about eyes...

i believed growing up that the eyes never lie. want to know what someone's thinking. look there. forget their words. look. there.

but the older i get, the more i wonder if i was wrong. if the eyes can lie. i feel like i've been suckered into believing so many things based on the eyes of others... believing their eyes speak truth.

then i thought. perhaps i'm the one of the rare people who cant hide the truth in their eyes ... and maybe THATS why im such an easy push-over. easy prey. easy to manipulate. to tell when im kidding. to tell when im serious. to tell when i'm angry. dont listen to my words. look at my eyes...

and sometimes i wish people would just understand what i'm trying to say not through words. and sometimes im glad they dont. sometimes its difficult to convey what exactly i mean because they're too far away. and sometimes its difficult because they're too close. geographically or relationally... take your pick...

there's a cinematic end
i picture it just right
having trouble with the right words
but you tell me with your eyes.

there's something good i missed.
something i cant find.
do you believe me now?
can you see it in my eyes...

invented - jimmy eat world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wddewaGkVPc (yes, i know the links arent working. blogspot has been acting dumb recently...)

invented.
the invented outer exterior of being even keel.
the way the music seems bland and steady.
the climactic end to such a fabulous song.
the instrumental build mimicking pent-up emotion.
and then. the breaking of the dam.
and the returning to normalcy


i wonder how one person can have a heart full of so many emotions for so many different people. to have so many thoughts. feelings. running. coursing. through their veins. to feel pain. guilt. love. happiness. all in one instant. but never feel like they can find the right words to say.

so they tell people everything with their eyes.

but that doesnt release the emotions very quickly. more like the dripping of water from a clogged faucet.

somedays. i wonder. if perhaps. the dam will break.

and i may just explode.

...everything that happens from now on...

she reflected.
a secret on her mind.
it made the world so much brighter.
livelier.
and she smiled.
the kind of smile that lights up a room.
illuminates the darkest corner.
is contagious.
the kind of smile that forces you to look past the eyes.
into the soul.
and see the beauty within.

she smiled.

*********************************************

i've had bon iver's re: stacks on repeat. for what seems like months now.


so transparent. so much soul. so much angst. and yet. there's so much resolve. so easy to relate. in one lyrically sparse song. i wish i knew what made someone push repeat 40x in a row.

i'm learning patience. with everything. its frustrating.

but, i'm moving forward.

inch

by

inch.

i'm moving forward.



and now if all your love was wasted. well then who the hell was i?

you're a beautiful soul

she said she needed out.

a fresh start.

she said he gets her.

and thats all she needed

to leave this town behind...

*************************

i've been writing. a lot. more than i probably should considering the myriad of other things that i really should be doing.

its been purging. its been painful. its been quite the exacavation. but the end product? satisfying.

what sparked this random occurence of musing?

perhaps its watching a house and a dog for some friends. a house rife with recent memories. good. and bad.

perhaps its this reticent mood. locking myself away from the world for hours. with a silent dog as my companion. and one. glorious. piano.

perhaps its the simple nostalgia that a porch swing brings... the breeze of a storm blowing in. the scent of summer air.

or perhaps i've just shoved too many things in my "deal-with-this-later" box. and trying to stuff one more thing inside made the contents explode. unexpectedly. all over.

i'll post lyrics (and hopefully recordings) soon. i havent actually written the lyrics yet. crazy, i know. first time i've poured my heart into the melody and NOT into the words. i think i like this way better.

i'll leave you with three songs. i've been ruminating on. mulling them over and over. wrestling. and beating myself into a bloody mess...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I483tB12SyE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Y8euc1G9A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCnI3Xjjvzo

I was starting to shake
From the days I’ve been up
There’s a lot on my plate
And the ones I loved stopped answering
They left me to find my self
In my own hate
I work all alone with a cynical taste
And the day I get out
Is the day I’ll be made

...i buried myself alive on the inside...

I've been listening to a lot of the used recently.

and by a lot i mean.

nonstop.

it's been quite the aggression/tension/frustration releaser. seriously. there is nothing like blasting a bit of burt mckracken in the car while flying down the road...with the windows down and the sunroof open.

nothing.

throw in a little bit of Story of the Year (SOTY), a dash of Finch, a touch of old school LP, a pinch of AFI, and a WHOLE LOT of Brand New... and bam. you got yourself the makings of a mini moshpit for one.

playlists like these remind me of long runs (when my knees could still take it...). Beating my body to a (metaphorical) bloody pulp and loving every minute of it. bloody toes and all... there's something to be said about the endorphins that are released during the most intense workout. they really do make you happy.


and so does music like this. nothing gets me more fired up than an intense scream. and a bass line that drives. a guitar riff thats mirrors that inner chord progression of my heart.

ahh.

unfortunately, i dont see things changing for me any time soon... even with all the music therapy. so if you'll excuse me (as i lace up my sneakers and blast my iPod)... it's time to go beat my body. and break something. ...



parental advisory for some mature content ...

also. get ready to rock out...

maybe memories - the used

hit the floor - linkin park

letters to you - finch

medicate - AFI

the ghost of you and i - story of the year

three simple words - finch

slit your own throat - the used

the black swan - story of the year

forgotten - linkin park

gasoline - brand new

liar liar (burn in hell) - the used

we dont care anymore - story of the year

and the hero will drown - story of the year

meant to die - the used

given up - linkin park

in the shadows - story of the year

a box full of sharp objects - the used

lonely, lonely - taking back sunday

the taste of ink - the used

choose your fate - story of the year

wake the dead - the used

error: operator - taking back sunday

razorblades - story of the year

the best of me - the used

cannonball - story of the year

i'm a fake - the used

what it is to burn - finch

blood on my hands - the used

paper cut - linkin park

take me back - story of the year

untitled - finch

buried myself alive - the used

"is this my fate?" he asked them - story of the year

this celluloid dream - AFI

post script - finch listening - the used

paper airplanes (makeshift wings) - AFI

men are all the same - the used

place for my head - linkin park

sink - brand new

darling i want to destroy you - AFI

Blue and Yellow - the used



...i guess its ok i puked the day away...

Love More...

...hate less. simple? sure. in theory.[1] within the last few weeks i've had a few out of body experiences. and no, i dont mean in the weird sense of "oh-hey!-im-floating-above-my-body-this-is-creepy-cool-im-a-ghost" sorta thing. i mean i hear what i'm saying and i cant believe those words would come out of my mouth in a million years. ever. but they did. i mean. my mouth was moving. it had my voice. it was me. right? dont be silly. of course it was me. i can take ownership for those words. so what, you may ask, was i saying?[2] ha. i wish i could remember. i'm sure it would be a much better post if i could give you the play-by-play, he-said-she-said, nitty-gritty details. but i cant.[3] what i CAN remember is the mood with which i was in. crabby-pants.[4] apparently i had gotten up that morning, and instead of reaching for my jeans, i reached for and put on my crabby pants. so frustrating. because with these becomes my "negative nancy" attitude... where everything comes out as word vomit.[5] i may end up picking apart every little thing thats occuring. voice what exactly is wrong at that moment with one of the three L's.[6] or just something eyore-esque. in other words. [ie]. complaining. or. just down right hating. (which ironically just makes me be disgusted with myself. and/or further deepen a self-loathing...) i think the last few weeks i've been wearing these pants a bit more. not because they go with everything... and not because they're comfortable. i think quite simply because i find them as an accessible diversion.[7] its easier to focus on whats wrong with everything ELSE around me. than having to deal with whats wrong with me.[8] but these word vomit moments preceed (almost simultaneous depending on the situation) an ad naseum apologetic intervention. flash-bang. and i've been pretty angsty these past few weeks. more so than normal... and i realized. i feel hopeless. as in. i feel chained. stifled. suffocated. quelched. as if i were running in circles in a room that was boxed up and stuffed into a plastic bag. tied to a wall. a butterfly in a jar. if all this angst. stress. unhappiness. if i at least had something to show for it. but. it never seems as though i do. and of course i'll have another week at lab meeting where i have no slides to show for my work during the week. because NOTHING IS WORKING!!!! #@$)(*#)(*@#$*@($&(&#@ [9] so i sit in lab. late at night. knowing that its all for naught. roar [10] perhaps all this angst will move from word vomit to musing. at least then i'd possibly have something to show for all the stress, angst, frustration... ...heartache... 1. this entry penned while listening to Love More - Sharon Van Etten http://tinyurl.com/4gpe9cs 2. i realize that you may not really care. if thats the case, then stop reading. if its not, then play along! makes things MUCH more fun. i promise :) 3. this does not mean i have turned in my girl card. yes, we do remember lots of details. but we also forget a lot of things. 4. not to be confused with my dance pants, which are, of course, always on. 5. word vomit: (noun) 1. a jumble of words; 2. something completely disgusting. In THIS case, please refer to definition #2. 6. Life, Love, and Lab 7. i hope you realize that i'm still talking metaphorically. however, i also realize that you can over use one to the point of - wah wah - and i dont want to beat a dead horse. so i'll drop it. starting. now. 8. the good ol' finger point. blame shift. focus on the splinter in your neighbor's eye. etc. etc. 9. but i wont tell you how i really feel. 10. not to be confused with Rawr. rawr = i love you in dinosaur. roar = anger. think T-rex eating a stegosaurus. i apologize for the graphic-ness. O_o

...shattered surface so imperfect is all that you believe...

::sigh:: it's january.

i hate this month.

i always have.

and i believe i always will.

just when i dig myself out. i slip back in.

the month in one playlist (i'm pretty sure this will be on repeat... these songs already pretty much have. just actually put them all together...):

1. The Funeral - Band of Horses
2. Skin Cloud - Dog and Panther
3. Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars
4. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New
5. Speak to Me Gently - Future of Forestry
6. Slow Show - The National
7. Jesus - Brand New
8. You Are the Moon - The Hush Sound
9. Swans & the Swimming - Iron & Wine
10. Tautou - Brand New
11. Green Gloves - The National
13. Southern Knell - Lovedrug
14. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
15. Pressing Flowers - The Civil Wars
16. Start a War - The National
17. Go - The Civil Wars
18. Hurry Hurry - Dog and Panther
19. Daisy - Brand New
20. Sanctitatis - Future of Forestry

sorry no links. but youtube = great search engine.

go ahead. procrastinate. i dare you.


...searching the stars in desperate hours... bound to find meaning....

...but im scared ill get scared and try to nail you back down...