hear me out...

it's rainy. and i love it. it fits my mood. and how i feel.



i hear this song and i remember home.

and i miss home.

and i remember what it was like to feel that.



and by home i mean not only clinton township but east lansing...

and by "that" i mean love. you know. that giddy-my-days-are-never-gray-always-wake-up-smiling-love-my-life love. not being IN LOVE. just love.

pure.

simple.

love.

days of wreaking havoc, of being silly and happy. of going to late night diners. being "kidnapped" from homework. of open-mic nights and local bands. coffee houses and guitars. movies and euchre. longboarding and throwing pumpkins off parking garages. dorm rooms and cloves. hookah. late night drives with windows down and music blaring. bonfires. roadtrips. hamocks. swimming pools and hot-tubs. subway. sunburns. climbing trees and jousting. building snowmans and snowball fights. college cafeteria food-fights and wrestling matches. camping. the summit.

days before people were married. and pregnant. and parents.

we're adults.

we're parents.

wtf.

we grew up?

where was I?

nostalgia.

why is it that songs can trigger such nostalgia. i know im not unique in this. why do we associate good feelings, bad feelings... heck any sort of feelings... with a song. why is it that a certain chord progression can make me cry, or certain lyrics pierce my soul. songs are like good friends. you know? they dont leave. they dont judge. they are just there. for better or worse. they can remind you of what you want to be, where you want to go, or why you are doing what you are doing. they can help you snap out of the blues that you may be singing... but can also sit and wallow with you when you need it the most. they can make a moment feel infinite.

but songs cant miss you. you miss them.

things i have noticed in this past month, as the depression lifts.
1. grad school has caused me to have a nervous breakdown on mulitple occasions
2. since coming to grad school i have lost my punctuality. in fact it is almost expected that i will be late. it annoys me.
3. i have become unreliable. mostly due to work. and my unpredictable schedule. but also my unpredictable mood swings.
4. i consume more caffeine than i should
5. i consume less food then i should.
6. i spend too much money on cds.
7. i have a hard time returning phone calls.
8. i miss being carefree
9. i dont like being a grown-up.

and it's all building character.

but i still miss my college friends. and sometimes im not sure if they miss me too.

ok. and now im done whining.

hey look the rain has lifted.

If you find her....

she wont falter easy. she'll be careful. she'll be coy.
but still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.

at the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps.
deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.
-future of forestry-

yeah. it IS one of those days.

it's not the rain.

it's not the gloom.

it just is.

it just is the immerse-myself-in-girly-music-girly-movies-and-make-sure-i-have-a-giant-box-of-kleenex-nearby sorta day.

man. this weather is incredible for a good dose of nostalgia. but sometimes it hurts to remember. you know? i think back to early college. those carefree days where the world was my peach for the picking. great friends. good nights of laughter induced tears. a plan for life. an un-marred GPA. the mountain top. i wish i could go back there. to say hello to that former self and show her how she would turn out 6.5 years later. would she change her decisions? would she drop out and pursue music like she had thought of? or would she still continue on this fast paced academic track?



my second project failed.

third times a charm, right?

or am i destined to be the perpetual grad student?

when did i start sucking at this?

everything used to come so easily for me.

life was easy for me.

what happened?


"...but everything looks perfect from far away... come down now..."