you're dancing 'round on life support with matches and a gun...

things i've noticed:

i have a tendency to be sporatic in writing.
i believe this directly correlates to my mood.
my mood usually correlates with the weather.

therefore i usually only write in this when it seems as though my world is falling apart. when i am beginning the decent towards the pits of hell that only one who knows depression can understand.

when it rains.

but not today. today i am neither high nor low. which is a nice reprieve from the doldrums of being yellow and blue. its amazing how deep fear can root. and just when you think you've gotten every last root... it springs back. like the dandelions my mom used to coax me into pulling from the garden. those stinkin' roots are harder to get than you'd think.

maybe its because i spent a glorious evening in the cold autumn air. standing around bonfires. reminding me of times before with friends of old. thankful to make memories with friends who are new. continually mulling over thoughts. feelings. wishes. all while dancing my pants off in the expanse of a carrboro backyard to booming pop music with no neighbors for miles. it was classy. it was fabulous. it was what i needed....

....until i opened my mouth and said "yes, i'll play and sing on that little stage over there"....

what a ridiculous idea to entertain when it's 43 degrees outside and 1am. these bitty little girl fingers (which are ironically attached to giant man hands) just couldnt hack it. so i play 1.3 songs (not even a half of the second song...) and i punk out to walk away feeling retarded and lame.

thank you for all those who cheered me on. and didnt laugh. i love you. doesnt stop me from being annoyed with myself. dissappointed with myself. i could have done better. i should have done better.

and thats when i realized tonight that i'm seriously, ridiculous, obnoxiously insecure. and i bet you're thinking as you read that last line. what? seriously? the chatter box? the loud one? the crazy-always-has-her-dance-pants-on-one? the "party-in-a-box" one? yeah. the longer i think about things (going on 2hrs here...) the more i realize that the facade i have is the greatest disguise. why? because if i LOOK like an idiot. it's clearly because i meant to. i embellish my ridiculousness so that way my insecurities will remain hidden from penetrating eyes. but. well. im human.

so guess what. im insecure. especially when i suck at something.... and sometimes something directly translates to:
life.
lab.
calling people back.
remembering important things and where i put the post notes with the important things listed on them.

::sigh::

i could keep going, but this post is slowly going down hill... and it's pretty much 4am.

so the song i leave you with is: she's disaster - lovedrug.

...painted skies...ocean eyes...

It's raining. and my brain is fried. much from angry/crabby stomach due to stress. yes. i do still get stressed out about lab. despite my laid back facade. (all you who know me most likely chuckled at this statement.... except for my mom. who probably laughed at the understatement of the year.)

i have a long time to wait for things to grow. and while i *should* be bettering myself on my project by reading journal articles... (and as exciting as those are) i decided to take a minute, post the playlist that is helping me get through said articles... and then get back to becoming a little cloned scientist.

before i post this list. i must preface it with:

1. it's a bit thrown together. i didnt have as much time to put into this as i would have hoped.
2. yes, i DO realize that some of the songs are a tad played out. but. you'll get over it.
3. see... you already are.
4. i dont really have time to research out all these songs and post links. so... feel free to peruse the cybersphere and find a version that you like.... and if you feel so inclined... post a link. :)

1. A Message - Coldplay
2. Things She Said - Kent
3. Sunburn - Muse
4. Daisy - Brand New
5. Koliniour - Jonsi
6. Pretend You're Alive - Lovedrug
7. Again I go Unnoticed - Dashboard Confessional
8. Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy
9. Your Legs Grow - Nada Surf
10. Letters from the Sky - Civil Twilight
11. Jezebel - Iron & Wine
12. Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
13. The Greatest - Cat Power
14. Owl Eyes - Headlights
15. / 16. Forever and a Day / I Gave In - Far-less (these are really one song in my mind...)
17. Happiness - The Fray
18. Sweet and Low (Acoustic version) - Augustana
19. Shadows - David Crowder Band
20. Ocean and a Rock - Lisa Hannigan
21. Willie - Cat Power
22. Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
23. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
24. Here with Me - Dido
25. Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
26. Delicate - Damien Rice
27. Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
28. Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
29. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
30. Volcano - Damien Rice
31. What's a Boy to Do - Mat Kearney


...and i could write a song a hundred miles long...

late night ramblings...

recently i've been listening to this song. http://www.ilike.com/artist/Lovedrug/track/Southern+Knell


and when i say listening, what i really mean is having it on repeat. continually ruminating on the lyrics. and thinking...


Sometimes i mistake my heartache for bliss
Come on now babe, let's seal it with a kiss
No one need avenge you if no one does harm
No one here can lay on your memory bed
Where you kissed your mother, your father on the head
No one understands you when,
But I've got to try...oh someone's got to try...



Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?



Shaking all these branches for love to fall
It's hard when you're lookin down to see it all
The leaves are all landing and nothing's there
Layin on the highest limb, pullin down stars
Callin your name, I've traveled so far
No one understands you here, but i've got to try...



Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?



...how fitting.



and i'm left here ruminating on so many overly asked questions. will anyone ever understand me? will anyone ever try? i mean truly try. not a half-hearted attempt...because they think i'm another accessory to obtain... but b/c they truly desire to see my heart. to know my heart. because they think i'm worth it. will someone ever love me without scaring me away. love me with open hands and not crush my wings? love me without trying to box me in?



and will i ever look up? stop looking down at everything that has fallen around me. stop looking at where others have failed me. hurt me. made me ashamed of myself. insecure with myself. where others have caused me to distrust words spoken. sometimes i forget there are things to look forward to when i'm too distracted by what has failed.



and the real questions. do i really have anything to give to the world? is it worth letting in someone to just hurt me? to let them see all of me the good, the bad, and the broken?


i just desire to be loved and protected. to be known. isnt that what everyone hopes for? lives for? wishes on falling stars for?? i wanna believe that it's possible. ridiculous? probably. but true.

this song takes me back to those nights of naivete 10+ years ago. when all that mattered was whether or not you'd made Varsity cheer. if you had the same class schedule as your closest friends. if you were stuck in A-lunch, or were lucky enough to have C-lunch. Rushing out to meet friends with a quick peck on the top of my dad's head, a hug from my mom. cold nights under the lights at a friday night football game. cider mills and bonfires. feeling so grown-up, like the world was my peach. my fuzzy little peach. dancing the night away in the basements of a friends. My mom's hot chocolate made with love...

a time before heartache. before becoming jaded and cynical. a time i so desperately wish i could share with those i know and love now... to show how things used to be. how i used to be. before i became so broken. so downtrodden. disheartened. before i began to distrust myself. and what i have to give to the world...



when did letting people in become such a large ordeal? when did opening up to people... really opening up to people... become something nightmares were made of? why is it so easy to keep people at an arm's length and never allow them to get any closer.



you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world. so why not let them in?

In the Absence of Hope...

So. I havent posted at all recently. not for want of writing. In fact, I have written. A lot. just not here. not for the perusing eyes of the world to read. understand. judge. I've been wrestling with how to write about my life. with my fears. my loves. my apathy. but present it as more than just a thinly veiled diatribe of my life. oh transparency. such a wretched, scary word.


so... who knows.... maybe i'll write more later... im sure i will...


for now i've decided to start doing playlists of the week.... (maybe eventually for the day, but it takes a while to hone down to the most important songs...) i figure this way i can share my love for music. and in a way you as the reader can a) maybe discover new songs (or rediscover oldies but goodies) and b) learn a little about me.... through the implicit rather explicit.... so *deep breath* here goes...


#1 In the Absence of Hope ...



*Lovedrug: We Were Owls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bRRqHcHIGk

*Paper Route: You Kill Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgrB7kL_V0Y

*Minus the Bear: Pachuca Sunrise http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU2cwKRhAmo

*Lovedrug: She's Disaster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI9Q7oL_nJQ

*Sleeping At Last: Naive http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbYCP0MEkVo

*BoB feat. Haley Williams: Airplanes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn6-c223DUU&ob=av2e

*Something Corporate: Letters to Noelle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zP66SlvAX0&feature=related

*Paper Route: Second Chances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEce7jzmKeg

*Sleeping At Last: Birdcage Religion http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sleeping+At+Last:Birdcage+Religion:141517143:s54202159.13199741.7742487.0.2.147%2Cstd_530059686cb34ec684ebfc13c9ef1359

*Brooke Waggoner: Heal for the Honey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxroVbjzeSg&ob=av2e







emptied out my pen, carved the rest into my hand...

Meteor showers....

"...when i think of you, i dont feel so alone... as many times as i blink, i'll think of you tonight..."

It's no surprise to those who know me that I have an issue sleeping. Regardless of clean sheets, freshly fluffed pillows or down mattress, reading, crocheting [i heard the rhythm can help], deep breathing, yoga, listening to ambient music, lights dim, lights off, silence, attempting to clear my cluttered mind .... even tylenol pm. but nothing works.

nothing.

absolutely nothing...

i'll fall asleep for an hour [maybe]... and then im awake. till the whee hours of the morning. where i finally doze off for an hour or two before i peel myself away from my comfy pillow and stare at my bags and bloodshot eyes...

and so lastnight in a fit of anger and rage...after staring at my ceiling fan whirl around for what seemed like hours i flung my covers off (more like kicked them off with flailing legs amidst exasperated sighs), fumbled my way to my dresser to turned my light and simultaneously stubbing my toe on something.

oh yeah.

my bible.

something i had been attempting to pick up for the past few nights and kept randomly thinking of a few other things i needed to get done before i could take a minute and catch up on the reading that i've been wanting to do.

and yet i cant remember the list of ridiculous things that took up my time.

funny how that happens. (note::sarcasm)

So i cracked the spine. thinking huh. what to read.

as the pages fell away to jeremiah. as good as anything else that i can think of at 4am... so like a New York Times bestseller, i blazed through the first three chapters in a matter of minutes. and was completely floored. (metaphorically speaking... though it should have been literally)

God's sense of humor is sometimes not so funny to me. at least not in the whee hours of the morning. when my eyeballs are wanting to fall out of my head. and my brain is racing at 90+ mph. but honestly. Reading 3 chapters of God's disgust and disdain for his people (israelites and judeans both) and their wandering promiscuous eye. Finding other gods and idols to worship. taking away their time.

ugh. wasnt i just thinking of all the other things i needed to complete before i sit down to read this? and my mind stops racing. for one minute. and i can almost hear a pin drop (once again... metaphorical)...

God's ready to pour out his judgement. He's sending this prophet to get their attention.

to.

get.

their.

attention.

yeah... i get it. maybe if i thought about Him while i was trying to fall asleep... like lover's daydreams... like the owl city lyrics i opened with.... maybe then my mind would chill out. and i could sleep. There is no peace for the wandering. there is only depression and the feeling of being alone. all alone.

there.

is.

no.

peace.

without.

God.

"...when i think of you, i dont feel so alone... as many times as i blink, i'll think of you tonight..."

hear me out...

it's rainy. and i love it. it fits my mood. and how i feel.



i hear this song and i remember home.

and i miss home.

and i remember what it was like to feel that.



and by home i mean not only clinton township but east lansing...

and by "that" i mean love. you know. that giddy-my-days-are-never-gray-always-wake-up-smiling-love-my-life love. not being IN LOVE. just love.

pure.

simple.

love.

days of wreaking havoc, of being silly and happy. of going to late night diners. being "kidnapped" from homework. of open-mic nights and local bands. coffee houses and guitars. movies and euchre. longboarding and throwing pumpkins off parking garages. dorm rooms and cloves. hookah. late night drives with windows down and music blaring. bonfires. roadtrips. hamocks. swimming pools and hot-tubs. subway. sunburns. climbing trees and jousting. building snowmans and snowball fights. college cafeteria food-fights and wrestling matches. camping. the summit.

days before people were married. and pregnant. and parents.

we're adults.

we're parents.

wtf.

we grew up?

where was I?

nostalgia.

why is it that songs can trigger such nostalgia. i know im not unique in this. why do we associate good feelings, bad feelings... heck any sort of feelings... with a song. why is it that a certain chord progression can make me cry, or certain lyrics pierce my soul. songs are like good friends. you know? they dont leave. they dont judge. they are just there. for better or worse. they can remind you of what you want to be, where you want to go, or why you are doing what you are doing. they can help you snap out of the blues that you may be singing... but can also sit and wallow with you when you need it the most. they can make a moment feel infinite.

but songs cant miss you. you miss them.

things i have noticed in this past month, as the depression lifts.
1. grad school has caused me to have a nervous breakdown on mulitple occasions
2. since coming to grad school i have lost my punctuality. in fact it is almost expected that i will be late. it annoys me.
3. i have become unreliable. mostly due to work. and my unpredictable schedule. but also my unpredictable mood swings.
4. i consume more caffeine than i should
5. i consume less food then i should.
6. i spend too much money on cds.
7. i have a hard time returning phone calls.
8. i miss being carefree
9. i dont like being a grown-up.

and it's all building character.

but i still miss my college friends. and sometimes im not sure if they miss me too.

ok. and now im done whining.

hey look the rain has lifted.

If you find her....

she wont falter easy. she'll be careful. she'll be coy.
but still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.

at the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps.
deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.
-future of forestry-

yeah. it IS one of those days.

it's not the rain.

it's not the gloom.

it just is.

it just is the immerse-myself-in-girly-music-girly-movies-and-make-sure-i-have-a-giant-box-of-kleenex-nearby sorta day.

man. this weather is incredible for a good dose of nostalgia. but sometimes it hurts to remember. you know? i think back to early college. those carefree days where the world was my peach for the picking. great friends. good nights of laughter induced tears. a plan for life. an un-marred GPA. the mountain top. i wish i could go back there. to say hello to that former self and show her how she would turn out 6.5 years later. would she change her decisions? would she drop out and pursue music like she had thought of? or would she still continue on this fast paced academic track?



my second project failed.

third times a charm, right?

or am i destined to be the perpetual grad student?

when did i start sucking at this?

everything used to come so easily for me.

life was easy for me.

what happened?


"...but everything looks perfect from far away... come down now..."