you're dancing 'round on life support with matches and a gun...

things i've noticed:

i have a tendency to be sporatic in writing.
i believe this directly correlates to my mood.
my mood usually correlates with the weather.

therefore i usually only write in this when it seems as though my world is falling apart. when i am beginning the decent towards the pits of hell that only one who knows depression can understand.

when it rains.

but not today. today i am neither high nor low. which is a nice reprieve from the doldrums of being yellow and blue. its amazing how deep fear can root. and just when you think you've gotten every last root... it springs back. like the dandelions my mom used to coax me into pulling from the garden. those stinkin' roots are harder to get than you'd think.

maybe its because i spent a glorious evening in the cold autumn air. standing around bonfires. reminding me of times before with friends of old. thankful to make memories with friends who are new. continually mulling over thoughts. feelings. wishes. all while dancing my pants off in the expanse of a carrboro backyard to booming pop music with no neighbors for miles. it was classy. it was fabulous. it was what i needed....

....until i opened my mouth and said "yes, i'll play and sing on that little stage over there"....

what a ridiculous idea to entertain when it's 43 degrees outside and 1am. these bitty little girl fingers (which are ironically attached to giant man hands) just couldnt hack it. so i play 1.3 songs (not even a half of the second song...) and i punk out to walk away feeling retarded and lame.

thank you for all those who cheered me on. and didnt laugh. i love you. doesnt stop me from being annoyed with myself. dissappointed with myself. i could have done better. i should have done better.

and thats when i realized tonight that i'm seriously, ridiculous, obnoxiously insecure. and i bet you're thinking as you read that last line. what? seriously? the chatter box? the loud one? the crazy-always-has-her-dance-pants-on-one? the "party-in-a-box" one? yeah. the longer i think about things (going on 2hrs here...) the more i realize that the facade i have is the greatest disguise. why? because if i LOOK like an idiot. it's clearly because i meant to. i embellish my ridiculousness so that way my insecurities will remain hidden from penetrating eyes. but. well. im human.

so guess what. im insecure. especially when i suck at something.... and sometimes something directly translates to:
life.
lab.
calling people back.
remembering important things and where i put the post notes with the important things listed on them.

::sigh::

i could keep going, but this post is slowly going down hill... and it's pretty much 4am.

so the song i leave you with is: she's disaster - lovedrug.