the. dangerous. summer.

i dont want to believe that its the middle of august.

another summer over.

another year completed.

im a sixth year. what?

there are still so many things i want to do between now and then. i mean. i've only been to the beach once this year.

where did the time go. and why does it fly so fast the older we get?

disturbing.

but i think about all the memories these past few months hold... and i wouldnt change a thing. this summer wasnt wasted. in fact. it was quite full. good friends. amazing times. front porch talks. and food truck roundups. watching the sunset on east campus. gigs. open mic nights. guitars and bonfires. pianos and sheets of paper with scribbled lyrics. coffee shops. long walks. swimming and cookout. losing a roommate and good friend. gaining a roommate and good friend. holding on to winter weight (ugh). consuming too much caffeine. laughter. lots and lots of laugher. not glee night. joe van gogh. art walks. working through the angst of life. having close friends listen. advise. pray with you. cry with you. and love you anyway. heartache. joy. sacrifice. and whole foods salad bars. the joyce. tylers. climbing. and feeling like something was accomplished. pain. losing callouses. and watching my thesis go up in flames. pouring my heart and soul into music. and after five years finding my muse.

love.

love for life.

love for my friends.

the love that i had forgotten i had...

no. i wouldnt change a thing.

the danger of this past summer? making too many memories that i dont know where to put them... and learning that the more you give. to others. to life. the less focus you have on yourself. the less depression hangs around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_K1lywPZms&feature=relmfu

i'm learning now that i was wrong in everything
and thats the reason why i think that i can grow
its really not that bad

and there is something in your face
that pulls me far enough away
i guess that i always knew
that i'd find you when i thought

...you are my song, and you are where i wanna be...

Invented

she grew up believing eyes were windows to the soul.
but now she wonders if their nothing more than pretty paintings covering windows.
************************

i've been thinking a lot about all the things i wish i could articulate to different people.

but dont. or cant.

for various reasons...

which has made me think a lot about eyes...

i believed growing up that the eyes never lie. want to know what someone's thinking. look there. forget their words. look. there.

but the older i get, the more i wonder if i was wrong. if the eyes can lie. i feel like i've been suckered into believing so many things based on the eyes of others... believing their eyes speak truth.

then i thought. perhaps i'm the one of the rare people who cant hide the truth in their eyes ... and maybe THATS why im such an easy push-over. easy prey. easy to manipulate. to tell when im kidding. to tell when im serious. to tell when i'm angry. dont listen to my words. look at my eyes...

and sometimes i wish people would just understand what i'm trying to say not through words. and sometimes im glad they dont. sometimes its difficult to convey what exactly i mean because they're too far away. and sometimes its difficult because they're too close. geographically or relationally... take your pick...

there's a cinematic end
i picture it just right
having trouble with the right words
but you tell me with your eyes.

there's something good i missed.
something i cant find.
do you believe me now?
can you see it in my eyes...

invented - jimmy eat world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wddewaGkVPc (yes, i know the links arent working. blogspot has been acting dumb recently...)

invented.
the invented outer exterior of being even keel.
the way the music seems bland and steady.
the climactic end to such a fabulous song.
the instrumental build mimicking pent-up emotion.
and then. the breaking of the dam.
and the returning to normalcy


i wonder how one person can have a heart full of so many emotions for so many different people. to have so many thoughts. feelings. running. coursing. through their veins. to feel pain. guilt. love. happiness. all in one instant. but never feel like they can find the right words to say.

so they tell people everything with their eyes.

but that doesnt release the emotions very quickly. more like the dripping of water from a clogged faucet.

somedays. i wonder. if perhaps. the dam will break.

and i may just explode.

...everything that happens from now on...

she reflected.
a secret on her mind.
it made the world so much brighter.
livelier.
and she smiled.
the kind of smile that lights up a room.
illuminates the darkest corner.
is contagious.
the kind of smile that forces you to look past the eyes.
into the soul.
and see the beauty within.

she smiled.

*********************************************

i've had bon iver's re: stacks on repeat. for what seems like months now.


so transparent. so much soul. so much angst. and yet. there's so much resolve. so easy to relate. in one lyrically sparse song. i wish i knew what made someone push repeat 40x in a row.

i'm learning patience. with everything. its frustrating.

but, i'm moving forward.

inch

by

inch.

i'm moving forward.



and now if all your love was wasted. well then who the hell was i?

you're a beautiful soul

she said she needed out.

a fresh start.

she said he gets her.

and thats all she needed

to leave this town behind...

*************************

i've been writing. a lot. more than i probably should considering the myriad of other things that i really should be doing.

its been purging. its been painful. its been quite the exacavation. but the end product? satisfying.

what sparked this random occurence of musing?

perhaps its watching a house and a dog for some friends. a house rife with recent memories. good. and bad.

perhaps its this reticent mood. locking myself away from the world for hours. with a silent dog as my companion. and one. glorious. piano.

perhaps its the simple nostalgia that a porch swing brings... the breeze of a storm blowing in. the scent of summer air.

or perhaps i've just shoved too many things in my "deal-with-this-later" box. and trying to stuff one more thing inside made the contents explode. unexpectedly. all over.

i'll post lyrics (and hopefully recordings) soon. i havent actually written the lyrics yet. crazy, i know. first time i've poured my heart into the melody and NOT into the words. i think i like this way better.

i'll leave you with three songs. i've been ruminating on. mulling them over and over. wrestling. and beating myself into a bloody mess...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I483tB12SyE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Y8euc1G9A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCnI3Xjjvzo

I was starting to shake
From the days I’ve been up
There’s a lot on my plate
And the ones I loved stopped answering
They left me to find my self
In my own hate
I work all alone with a cynical taste
And the day I get out
Is the day I’ll be made

...i buried myself alive on the inside...

I've been listening to a lot of the used recently.

and by a lot i mean.

nonstop.

it's been quite the aggression/tension/frustration releaser. seriously. there is nothing like blasting a bit of burt mckracken in the car while flying down the road...with the windows down and the sunroof open.

nothing.

throw in a little bit of Story of the Year (SOTY), a dash of Finch, a touch of old school LP, a pinch of AFI, and a WHOLE LOT of Brand New... and bam. you got yourself the makings of a mini moshpit for one.

playlists like these remind me of long runs (when my knees could still take it...). Beating my body to a (metaphorical) bloody pulp and loving every minute of it. bloody toes and all... there's something to be said about the endorphins that are released during the most intense workout. they really do make you happy.


and so does music like this. nothing gets me more fired up than an intense scream. and a bass line that drives. a guitar riff thats mirrors that inner chord progression of my heart.

ahh.

unfortunately, i dont see things changing for me any time soon... even with all the music therapy. so if you'll excuse me (as i lace up my sneakers and blast my iPod)... it's time to go beat my body. and break something. ...



parental advisory for some mature content ...

also. get ready to rock out...

maybe memories - the used

hit the floor - linkin park

letters to you - finch

medicate - AFI

the ghost of you and i - story of the year

three simple words - finch

slit your own throat - the used

the black swan - story of the year

forgotten - linkin park

gasoline - brand new

liar liar (burn in hell) - the used

we dont care anymore - story of the year

and the hero will drown - story of the year

meant to die - the used

given up - linkin park

in the shadows - story of the year

a box full of sharp objects - the used

lonely, lonely - taking back sunday

the taste of ink - the used

choose your fate - story of the year

wake the dead - the used

error: operator - taking back sunday

razorblades - story of the year

the best of me - the used

cannonball - story of the year

i'm a fake - the used

what it is to burn - finch

blood on my hands - the used

paper cut - linkin park

take me back - story of the year

untitled - finch

buried myself alive - the used

"is this my fate?" he asked them - story of the year

this celluloid dream - AFI

post script - finch listening - the used

paper airplanes (makeshift wings) - AFI

men are all the same - the used

place for my head - linkin park

sink - brand new

darling i want to destroy you - AFI

Blue and Yellow - the used



...i guess its ok i puked the day away...

Love More...

...hate less. simple? sure. in theory.[1] within the last few weeks i've had a few out of body experiences. and no, i dont mean in the weird sense of "oh-hey!-im-floating-above-my-body-this-is-creepy-cool-im-a-ghost" sorta thing. i mean i hear what i'm saying and i cant believe those words would come out of my mouth in a million years. ever. but they did. i mean. my mouth was moving. it had my voice. it was me. right? dont be silly. of course it was me. i can take ownership for those words. so what, you may ask, was i saying?[2] ha. i wish i could remember. i'm sure it would be a much better post if i could give you the play-by-play, he-said-she-said, nitty-gritty details. but i cant.[3] what i CAN remember is the mood with which i was in. crabby-pants.[4] apparently i had gotten up that morning, and instead of reaching for my jeans, i reached for and put on my crabby pants. so frustrating. because with these becomes my "negative nancy" attitude... where everything comes out as word vomit.[5] i may end up picking apart every little thing thats occuring. voice what exactly is wrong at that moment with one of the three L's.[6] or just something eyore-esque. in other words. [ie]. complaining. or. just down right hating. (which ironically just makes me be disgusted with myself. and/or further deepen a self-loathing...) i think the last few weeks i've been wearing these pants a bit more. not because they go with everything... and not because they're comfortable. i think quite simply because i find them as an accessible diversion.[7] its easier to focus on whats wrong with everything ELSE around me. than having to deal with whats wrong with me.[8] but these word vomit moments preceed (almost simultaneous depending on the situation) an ad naseum apologetic intervention. flash-bang. and i've been pretty angsty these past few weeks. more so than normal... and i realized. i feel hopeless. as in. i feel chained. stifled. suffocated. quelched. as if i were running in circles in a room that was boxed up and stuffed into a plastic bag. tied to a wall. a butterfly in a jar. if all this angst. stress. unhappiness. if i at least had something to show for it. but. it never seems as though i do. and of course i'll have another week at lab meeting where i have no slides to show for my work during the week. because NOTHING IS WORKING!!!! #@$)(*#)(*@#$*@($&(&#@ [9] so i sit in lab. late at night. knowing that its all for naught. roar [10] perhaps all this angst will move from word vomit to musing. at least then i'd possibly have something to show for all the stress, angst, frustration... ...heartache... 1. this entry penned while listening to Love More - Sharon Van Etten http://tinyurl.com/4gpe9cs 2. i realize that you may not really care. if thats the case, then stop reading. if its not, then play along! makes things MUCH more fun. i promise :) 3. this does not mean i have turned in my girl card. yes, we do remember lots of details. but we also forget a lot of things. 4. not to be confused with my dance pants, which are, of course, always on. 5. word vomit: (noun) 1. a jumble of words; 2. something completely disgusting. In THIS case, please refer to definition #2. 6. Life, Love, and Lab 7. i hope you realize that i'm still talking metaphorically. however, i also realize that you can over use one to the point of - wah wah - and i dont want to beat a dead horse. so i'll drop it. starting. now. 8. the good ol' finger point. blame shift. focus on the splinter in your neighbor's eye. etc. etc. 9. but i wont tell you how i really feel. 10. not to be confused with Rawr. rawr = i love you in dinosaur. roar = anger. think T-rex eating a stegosaurus. i apologize for the graphic-ness. O_o

...shattered surface so imperfect is all that you believe...

::sigh:: it's january.

i hate this month.

i always have.

and i believe i always will.

just when i dig myself out. i slip back in.

the month in one playlist (i'm pretty sure this will be on repeat... these songs already pretty much have. just actually put them all together...):

1. The Funeral - Band of Horses
2. Skin Cloud - Dog and Panther
3. Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars
4. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New
5. Speak to Me Gently - Future of Forestry
6. Slow Show - The National
7. Jesus - Brand New
8. You Are the Moon - The Hush Sound
9. Swans & the Swimming - Iron & Wine
10. Tautou - Brand New
11. Green Gloves - The National
13. Southern Knell - Lovedrug
14. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
15. Pressing Flowers - The Civil Wars
16. Start a War - The National
17. Go - The Civil Wars
18. Hurry Hurry - Dog and Panther
19. Daisy - Brand New
20. Sanctitatis - Future of Forestry

sorry no links. but youtube = great search engine.

go ahead. procrastinate. i dare you.


...searching the stars in desperate hours... bound to find meaning....

...but im scared ill get scared and try to nail you back down...

...but while you debate half empty or half full....

hey! look at me! 2 posts in one week.

and it's 2am. so this one's gonna be short. as short as can be for one who is overly in love with writing. and talking. and the english language. and well... pretty much anything that deals with words.

*note to self* short.

i broke out my DCFC albums these past few days. (in case you arent acronym saavy: death cab for cutie)

they make me smile.
they remind me of fall.
and much like fall... elicit a shower of memory "leaves" some full of vibrant colors, others a bit faded, dull brown. wrinkled. and sometimes missing pieces where the "faulty cameras in [my] mind" are starting to wear the tape thin...

...listening to DCFC is...

... much like pulling a box of photos off the top shelf of your closet... and you, thinking that of course you dont need a ladder, hatch the brilliant plan that climbing on boxes and precariously perched shelves is perfectly safe. and just when you think you've mastered the jungle gym of a closet- sans ladder- you sneeze from all the dust you've kicked up, and of course it's the worst possible moment. and this is where you realize that: no, you dont have suction cups on your hands or feet... which means yes, you dont have a grip on the box (with your hands) or the shelves (with your toes) and that maybe this wasnt such a great idea after all... and you AND the box tumble backwards contents flying out (of the box, of course), and as you land with a thud... the once ordered pictures begin to rain down all around you...

death cab is like that. a lot like that. i see the albums in my itunes and think, of course i can listen to these... where clicking play is like the climbing the jungle gym closet... and then a line, a lyric, a riff.... the dust induced sneeze ... and i lose grip on the present, and fall back in time with memories flooding me at random. no chronological order. just falling all around me.

somtimes i love that feeling. othertimes i wish i had a helmet to protect from the heaviness of all the thoughts. to sit and ruminate on them. and then pack them back away for the next time i decide to pull the dusty [musical] albums off the shelf. (though music albums are clearly photo albums for me)

and im beginning to learn that even bad memories. those that hurt. the ones that are painful. the ones that make me uncomfortable. the ones i wish i had a helmet for. they are just as good as the glorious ones. they are the all a part of me. without any of them. i wouldnt be me. id be M. or E.

so with that. i bid you adieu. and while laying on my new twin sized bed thinking of things like what sarah said (love is watching someone die... so who's going to watch you die?) i'll eventually drift off to sleep, dreaming... of times past, and those to come, and the gulf between them... much like transatlanticism...

you're dancing 'round on life support with matches and a gun...

things i've noticed:

i have a tendency to be sporatic in writing.
i believe this directly correlates to my mood.
my mood usually correlates with the weather.

therefore i usually only write in this when it seems as though my world is falling apart. when i am beginning the decent towards the pits of hell that only one who knows depression can understand.

when it rains.

but not today. today i am neither high nor low. which is a nice reprieve from the doldrums of being yellow and blue. its amazing how deep fear can root. and just when you think you've gotten every last root... it springs back. like the dandelions my mom used to coax me into pulling from the garden. those stinkin' roots are harder to get than you'd think.

maybe its because i spent a glorious evening in the cold autumn air. standing around bonfires. reminding me of times before with friends of old. thankful to make memories with friends who are new. continually mulling over thoughts. feelings. wishes. all while dancing my pants off in the expanse of a carrboro backyard to booming pop music with no neighbors for miles. it was classy. it was fabulous. it was what i needed....

....until i opened my mouth and said "yes, i'll play and sing on that little stage over there"....

what a ridiculous idea to entertain when it's 43 degrees outside and 1am. these bitty little girl fingers (which are ironically attached to giant man hands) just couldnt hack it. so i play 1.3 songs (not even a half of the second song...) and i punk out to walk away feeling retarded and lame.

thank you for all those who cheered me on. and didnt laugh. i love you. doesnt stop me from being annoyed with myself. dissappointed with myself. i could have done better. i should have done better.

and thats when i realized tonight that i'm seriously, ridiculous, obnoxiously insecure. and i bet you're thinking as you read that last line. what? seriously? the chatter box? the loud one? the crazy-always-has-her-dance-pants-on-one? the "party-in-a-box" one? yeah. the longer i think about things (going on 2hrs here...) the more i realize that the facade i have is the greatest disguise. why? because if i LOOK like an idiot. it's clearly because i meant to. i embellish my ridiculousness so that way my insecurities will remain hidden from penetrating eyes. but. well. im human.

so guess what. im insecure. especially when i suck at something.... and sometimes something directly translates to:
life.
lab.
calling people back.
remembering important things and where i put the post notes with the important things listed on them.

::sigh::

i could keep going, but this post is slowly going down hill... and it's pretty much 4am.

so the song i leave you with is: she's disaster - lovedrug.

...painted skies...ocean eyes...

It's raining. and my brain is fried. much from angry/crabby stomach due to stress. yes. i do still get stressed out about lab. despite my laid back facade. (all you who know me most likely chuckled at this statement.... except for my mom. who probably laughed at the understatement of the year.)

i have a long time to wait for things to grow. and while i *should* be bettering myself on my project by reading journal articles... (and as exciting as those are) i decided to take a minute, post the playlist that is helping me get through said articles... and then get back to becoming a little cloned scientist.

before i post this list. i must preface it with:

1. it's a bit thrown together. i didnt have as much time to put into this as i would have hoped.
2. yes, i DO realize that some of the songs are a tad played out. but. you'll get over it.
3. see... you already are.
4. i dont really have time to research out all these songs and post links. so... feel free to peruse the cybersphere and find a version that you like.... and if you feel so inclined... post a link. :)

1. A Message - Coldplay
2. Things She Said - Kent
3. Sunburn - Muse
4. Daisy - Brand New
5. Koliniour - Jonsi
6. Pretend You're Alive - Lovedrug
7. Again I go Unnoticed - Dashboard Confessional
8. Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy
9. Your Legs Grow - Nada Surf
10. Letters from the Sky - Civil Twilight
11. Jezebel - Iron & Wine
12. Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
13. The Greatest - Cat Power
14. Owl Eyes - Headlights
15. / 16. Forever and a Day / I Gave In - Far-less (these are really one song in my mind...)
17. Happiness - The Fray
18. Sweet and Low (Acoustic version) - Augustana
19. Shadows - David Crowder Band
20. Ocean and a Rock - Lisa Hannigan
21. Willie - Cat Power
22. Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
23. The Sun and the Moon - Mae
24. Here with Me - Dido
25. Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
26. Delicate - Damien Rice
27. Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
28. Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
29. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
30. Volcano - Damien Rice
31. What's a Boy to Do - Mat Kearney


...and i could write a song a hundred miles long...

late night ramblings...

recently i've been listening to this song. http://www.ilike.com/artist/Lovedrug/track/Southern+Knell


and when i say listening, what i really mean is having it on repeat. continually ruminating on the lyrics. and thinking...


Sometimes i mistake my heartache for bliss
Come on now babe, let's seal it with a kiss
No one need avenge you if no one does harm
No one here can lay on your memory bed
Where you kissed your mother, your father on the head
No one understands you when,
But I've got to try...oh someone's got to try...



Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?



Shaking all these branches for love to fall
It's hard when you're lookin down to see it all
The leaves are all landing and nothing's there
Layin on the highest limb, pullin down stars
Callin your name, I've traveled so far
No one understands you here, but i've got to try...



Come on play that 45 and dance like sin
I'll lock up the doors, honey no one'll come in
You're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world
So why not let 'em in?



...how fitting.



and i'm left here ruminating on so many overly asked questions. will anyone ever understand me? will anyone ever try? i mean truly try. not a half-hearted attempt...because they think i'm another accessory to obtain... but b/c they truly desire to see my heart. to know my heart. because they think i'm worth it. will someone ever love me without scaring me away. love me with open hands and not crush my wings? love me without trying to box me in?



and will i ever look up? stop looking down at everything that has fallen around me. stop looking at where others have failed me. hurt me. made me ashamed of myself. insecure with myself. where others have caused me to distrust words spoken. sometimes i forget there are things to look forward to when i'm too distracted by what has failed.



and the real questions. do i really have anything to give to the world? is it worth letting in someone to just hurt me? to let them see all of me the good, the bad, and the broken?


i just desire to be loved and protected. to be known. isnt that what everyone hopes for? lives for? wishes on falling stars for?? i wanna believe that it's possible. ridiculous? probably. but true.

this song takes me back to those nights of naivete 10+ years ago. when all that mattered was whether or not you'd made Varsity cheer. if you had the same class schedule as your closest friends. if you were stuck in A-lunch, or were lucky enough to have C-lunch. Rushing out to meet friends with a quick peck on the top of my dad's head, a hug from my mom. cold nights under the lights at a friday night football game. cider mills and bonfires. feeling so grown-up, like the world was my peach. my fuzzy little peach. dancing the night away in the basements of a friends. My mom's hot chocolate made with love...

a time before heartache. before becoming jaded and cynical. a time i so desperately wish i could share with those i know and love now... to show how things used to be. how i used to be. before i became so broken. so downtrodden. disheartened. before i began to distrust myself. and what i have to give to the world...



when did letting people in become such a large ordeal? when did opening up to people... really opening up to people... become something nightmares were made of? why is it so easy to keep people at an arm's length and never allow them to get any closer.



you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world. so why not let them in?

In the Absence of Hope...

So. I havent posted at all recently. not for want of writing. In fact, I have written. A lot. just not here. not for the perusing eyes of the world to read. understand. judge. I've been wrestling with how to write about my life. with my fears. my loves. my apathy. but present it as more than just a thinly veiled diatribe of my life. oh transparency. such a wretched, scary word.


so... who knows.... maybe i'll write more later... im sure i will...


for now i've decided to start doing playlists of the week.... (maybe eventually for the day, but it takes a while to hone down to the most important songs...) i figure this way i can share my love for music. and in a way you as the reader can a) maybe discover new songs (or rediscover oldies but goodies) and b) learn a little about me.... through the implicit rather explicit.... so *deep breath* here goes...


#1 In the Absence of Hope ...



*Lovedrug: We Were Owls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bRRqHcHIGk

*Paper Route: You Kill Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgrB7kL_V0Y

*Minus the Bear: Pachuca Sunrise http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU2cwKRhAmo

*Lovedrug: She's Disaster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI9Q7oL_nJQ

*Sleeping At Last: Naive http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbYCP0MEkVo

*BoB feat. Haley Williams: Airplanes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn6-c223DUU&ob=av2e

*Something Corporate: Letters to Noelle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zP66SlvAX0&feature=related

*Paper Route: Second Chances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEce7jzmKeg

*Sleeping At Last: Birdcage Religion http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sleeping+At+Last:Birdcage+Religion:141517143:s54202159.13199741.7742487.0.2.147%2Cstd_530059686cb34ec684ebfc13c9ef1359

*Brooke Waggoner: Heal for the Honey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxroVbjzeSg&ob=av2e







emptied out my pen, carved the rest into my hand...

Meteor showers....

"...when i think of you, i dont feel so alone... as many times as i blink, i'll think of you tonight..."

It's no surprise to those who know me that I have an issue sleeping. Regardless of clean sheets, freshly fluffed pillows or down mattress, reading, crocheting [i heard the rhythm can help], deep breathing, yoga, listening to ambient music, lights dim, lights off, silence, attempting to clear my cluttered mind .... even tylenol pm. but nothing works.

nothing.

absolutely nothing...

i'll fall asleep for an hour [maybe]... and then im awake. till the whee hours of the morning. where i finally doze off for an hour or two before i peel myself away from my comfy pillow and stare at my bags and bloodshot eyes...

and so lastnight in a fit of anger and rage...after staring at my ceiling fan whirl around for what seemed like hours i flung my covers off (more like kicked them off with flailing legs amidst exasperated sighs), fumbled my way to my dresser to turned my light and simultaneously stubbing my toe on something.

oh yeah.

my bible.

something i had been attempting to pick up for the past few nights and kept randomly thinking of a few other things i needed to get done before i could take a minute and catch up on the reading that i've been wanting to do.

and yet i cant remember the list of ridiculous things that took up my time.

funny how that happens. (note::sarcasm)

So i cracked the spine. thinking huh. what to read.

as the pages fell away to jeremiah. as good as anything else that i can think of at 4am... so like a New York Times bestseller, i blazed through the first three chapters in a matter of minutes. and was completely floored. (metaphorically speaking... though it should have been literally)

God's sense of humor is sometimes not so funny to me. at least not in the whee hours of the morning. when my eyeballs are wanting to fall out of my head. and my brain is racing at 90+ mph. but honestly. Reading 3 chapters of God's disgust and disdain for his people (israelites and judeans both) and their wandering promiscuous eye. Finding other gods and idols to worship. taking away their time.

ugh. wasnt i just thinking of all the other things i needed to complete before i sit down to read this? and my mind stops racing. for one minute. and i can almost hear a pin drop (once again... metaphorical)...

God's ready to pour out his judgement. He's sending this prophet to get their attention.

to.

get.

their.

attention.

yeah... i get it. maybe if i thought about Him while i was trying to fall asleep... like lover's daydreams... like the owl city lyrics i opened with.... maybe then my mind would chill out. and i could sleep. There is no peace for the wandering. there is only depression and the feeling of being alone. all alone.

there.

is.

no.

peace.

without.

God.

"...when i think of you, i dont feel so alone... as many times as i blink, i'll think of you tonight..."

hear me out...

it's rainy. and i love it. it fits my mood. and how i feel.



i hear this song and i remember home.

and i miss home.

and i remember what it was like to feel that.



and by home i mean not only clinton township but east lansing...

and by "that" i mean love. you know. that giddy-my-days-are-never-gray-always-wake-up-smiling-love-my-life love. not being IN LOVE. just love.

pure.

simple.

love.

days of wreaking havoc, of being silly and happy. of going to late night diners. being "kidnapped" from homework. of open-mic nights and local bands. coffee houses and guitars. movies and euchre. longboarding and throwing pumpkins off parking garages. dorm rooms and cloves. hookah. late night drives with windows down and music blaring. bonfires. roadtrips. hamocks. swimming pools and hot-tubs. subway. sunburns. climbing trees and jousting. building snowmans and snowball fights. college cafeteria food-fights and wrestling matches. camping. the summit.

days before people were married. and pregnant. and parents.

we're adults.

we're parents.

wtf.

we grew up?

where was I?

nostalgia.

why is it that songs can trigger such nostalgia. i know im not unique in this. why do we associate good feelings, bad feelings... heck any sort of feelings... with a song. why is it that a certain chord progression can make me cry, or certain lyrics pierce my soul. songs are like good friends. you know? they dont leave. they dont judge. they are just there. for better or worse. they can remind you of what you want to be, where you want to go, or why you are doing what you are doing. they can help you snap out of the blues that you may be singing... but can also sit and wallow with you when you need it the most. they can make a moment feel infinite.

but songs cant miss you. you miss them.

things i have noticed in this past month, as the depression lifts.
1. grad school has caused me to have a nervous breakdown on mulitple occasions
2. since coming to grad school i have lost my punctuality. in fact it is almost expected that i will be late. it annoys me.
3. i have become unreliable. mostly due to work. and my unpredictable schedule. but also my unpredictable mood swings.
4. i consume more caffeine than i should
5. i consume less food then i should.
6. i spend too much money on cds.
7. i have a hard time returning phone calls.
8. i miss being carefree
9. i dont like being a grown-up.

and it's all building character.

but i still miss my college friends. and sometimes im not sure if they miss me too.

ok. and now im done whining.

hey look the rain has lifted.

If you find her....

she wont falter easy. she'll be careful. she'll be coy.
but still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.

at the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps.
deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps.
if you find her tell her that i love her.
if she hears you, ask her heart to come.
-future of forestry-

yeah. it IS one of those days.

it's not the rain.

it's not the gloom.

it just is.

it just is the immerse-myself-in-girly-music-girly-movies-and-make-sure-i-have-a-giant-box-of-kleenex-nearby sorta day.

man. this weather is incredible for a good dose of nostalgia. but sometimes it hurts to remember. you know? i think back to early college. those carefree days where the world was my peach for the picking. great friends. good nights of laughter induced tears. a plan for life. an un-marred GPA. the mountain top. i wish i could go back there. to say hello to that former self and show her how she would turn out 6.5 years later. would she change her decisions? would she drop out and pursue music like she had thought of? or would she still continue on this fast paced academic track?



my second project failed.

third times a charm, right?

or am i destined to be the perpetual grad student?

when did i start sucking at this?

everything used to come so easily for me.

life was easy for me.

what happened?


"...but everything looks perfect from far away... come down now..."

Nothing and Everything

My life has become a cup of coffee
A black substance-seemingly bottomless until you reach the end

it's another sleepless night. and i realized i havent written in this new blog at all. and so i decided to start it back up. why? because it's a good way to get things off my chest. and possibly help me sleep? is that why i spend so many countless nights wide awake? because i have so much to say? so much on my mind? possibly.

and much of it is not for the faint of heart. not for the casual reader. not for those who may just stumble upon one lonely little girls postings. and therefore i journal else where. i've learned my lesson.

and on this sleepless night i think back upon memories that plague my thoughts daily. and i think. God. take it all away. when will this be through? i really would "love to start again. go back to innocence and never leave..." why is it that life is so hard? so messy. so incredibly messy. how come we werent prepared for any of this? how DO we prepare for this?

and so i muse. poetry. mmm.


Breathless and bruised
Forgotten , refused
I’ve fallen down more times than I choose

Meager and brittle
This heart, so fickle
Is broken, shattered, the pieces so little

Rather to run
Than become undone
I’m strong, I’m able; I’ll do it alone

But I don’t want to.

I dont want to be alone.

There’s something to be said about watching obviously awkward first dates from afar. Something about it is like watching a car wreck. You shy away from actually seeing the destruction, yet you can’t stop from looking. You wonder. Do they realize how apparent it is to the room how uneasy you are in your own skin? How much you are trying to impress the other. How often you nervously touch your hair/smooth your shirt/fidget in you chair. The weird awkward mating dance. And we all do it. I don’t think I’ll miss it when Im done with this stage of my life. I’m strangely content with where I am in life. As a single that is. And yet there will be a moment. A passing moment. When I’ll have this wave of desire to just be standing. In that moment. With another. One who understands my innermost thoughts and concerns. Cares and worries. Who understands me. Without even having to explain a single thought. I miss those days. Those days when I felt so secure. So safe. So understood. Emotionally cozy. Warm. Wrapped in a blanket of consistency and sheltered from the prying eyes of the world. What’s wrong with me? Why do I lose interest so quickly? Is it me? Or is it God taking the desire away because it’s a “not yet”. Or is it a “not ever.” God, I hope it’s not that. I really do. I cant imagine spending my life alone. But then again, I cant imagine my life spent shackled to someone who could care less about me. Or I him. An emotional hell. Internally dead and alone.

Im an emotional mess. I appear so hard to others. So jaded. So sad. So beaten down. Where did I get this defeatist attitude? I wish I was someone different. A little less bold. A little less loud. A little less weird. A little more refined. A little more genteel. Smarter. Serious. Just better. and less like the black coffee i consume on a daily basis.

iam

I am abstract art
Awkward and angular
Contorted and quirky
Misunderstood by most
Beautiful to only a few

I am glass
Clear, yet distorting vision
With a most unlikely composition
Strong, but easily broken
Able to slice to the bone

I am fire
Warm, but able to burn
Bright, but easily extinguished
Contained, but difficult to control
Devastating and dangerous

I am vapor
Calm yet easily stirred
a whirlwind of turbulence
Mysteriously fleeting, not dependable
Fickle and easily swayed

iam

i am too much. It's the musician in me. everything i do. it's 110%. i throw myself into things heart and soul when i realize there is no risk and i dont have to be vulnerable.

all these things i want to say. i cant.


Easily distracted
Cohesive thoughts escape me
A labor to finish

...the fight inside is breaking me again... its everything...

...i could never be that for you...

Man. i havent blogged in so long. im not even sure if i like this whole blogspot setup being so alien to me. i like live journal. i miss live journal. but ive decided i need to let that one go. reading those posts made me realize just how much ive grown. how different i am now. and yet how ive retained alot of things that i thought i would have let go by now. needless to say, im not using my LJ account anymore because i want a change (*gasp!* i know. me? want change? this is a new thing...) and ive decided to walk out on my past. at least begin to let it go. little by little. of course not the people i love and care about... never. that would be seriously ridiculous.

to qualify this entry, i wrote half lastnight. half this afternoon. why? because i was too tired to finish lastnight. but i really just needed to get things off my chest. venting to cyber-space somehow has some pretty amazing therapuetic effects. seriously. anyways. if it's pschyzophrenic. or slightly disjointed, this may or may not be the reason. maybe i AM just a pschyzophrenic, disheveled, disjointed person.

I'm so tired. tired of alot of things. tired of being that girl. the one that's too loud. too boy. too girl. too nice. not nice enough. too smart. not smart enough. too caring. too selfish. too talkative. to quiet. too extroverted. too introverted. too bubbly. too emo. too free spirited. too tied down. too insecure. too prideful. too worldly. too stressed. works too hard. doesnt work hard enough. too irresponsible. too hard on myself. too slow. too impatient. too thin. not thin enough. too side-tracked. too focused. too busy. too vibrant. too dull. too obnoxious.


too worried about what everyone else thinks.


and thats really what it all stems from, right? striving for acceptance from the masses...or from the few... that drains all our energy. all my energy. Yes, i DO agree that there is a manner in which we must, and SHOULD act as followers of christ to spare other's feelings. but when does it stop? where is the line. When does it become masochistic? when we care more about the other feelings in this world that we suppress our own?


all i know is that im tired of suppressing my feelings. of pushing them down. locking them away. stuffing them in. so much so that at times i think i may just burst. 99 red balloons. down to one lonely red balloon. stretched so thin that the breaking point is in sight.

i sometimes feel as though my personality is so intensely vibrant. I love to the utmost degree. i give everything for friendships. i disregard my own needs to make others happy. i strive for perfection. and always fall short. im realizing i will always fall short. no matter how hard i try. why? because its all in my own strength. every single bit. and i didnt notice that i was trying to do it all on my own until i was forced to step back and actually take in my life. to look at where ive been and where im going.


which is the perfect segue to grad school. oh grad school. i really feel as though its not my niche. maybe not quite. i mean i DO enjoy getting down and dirty. and the mental stimulation is alright. sometimes. but sometimes i just want to be able to walk in to my job. sit at a desk. type away. do mindless acts. and be able to leave when its over. and leave the job at work. period. to not carry the feelings of failure as another experiment comes up negative. or to see the look on ur bosses face when it's not enough. or it doesnt work. or it gives results that are out of the ordinary. or gives problematic results. to always feel inferior. its like a large black rain cloud that follows me around. regardless of whether im at lab or away. constantly sprinkling on me reminding me that i have more to fail at. and yet more to do to strive towards success. i think having set hours would be nice. having some sort of separation between life and school would be nice. wait. having a life would be nice.

maybe it's all just the post prelim depression (or PPD as thomas says...) maybe it's God trying to tell me that he has bigger things in store for me. and still my heart is continually crying out for music. and yet my instruments gather dust. my lyrics remain note-less, and my musings remain locked away. no time = no writing = frustration.

and this is where i leave it. my irritation by my lack of discipline. to set aside time to write, to work out, to call friends... and my frustration that things just seem to be moving at a snails pace.

patience is not a virute i possess. and God is constantly reminding me.

and in the silence i hear the whisper. "wait my child. just wait."